Take my life, I'm letting go

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And it’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now



I'm a do-it-myself kind of girl. I know how I want things done, and it's just too hard to let someone else do it. so, I do it myself. always. (ask Rachel Paul (: )

but I can't do that anymore.

because when I'm doing it all myself, I'm not letting God do anything.

Those 5 weeks after Thailand were some of the hardest weeks I've had in a while. I missed everyone, the kind of deep, aching sensation you feel when all you want to do is be back with the people you miss so much. I allowed myself time to think and miss them (it's not like I was sleeping much anyways) but after awhile, it got too hard. so I threw myself into my work. school work, preps for Honduras. I dove into them headfirst, not accepting help except from the people from whom I had to accept it from. I got a lot done. but I didn't allow God to prepare me. I didn't allow Him to do His work. I figured I could just prepare myself.

wow. I was so wrong.

I was talking and sharing with a friend recently, and as we talked about struggles, past and present, she said something interesting, and something I don't think I will easily forget.

"I've learned that I have to depend on God, even for basic life functions."

my heart just breaks.
I have pushed God out of my daily life.

I was too busy.
I was too independent.
I was, in my mind, too self-sufficient. too good.

but now I see.
and all I want is for Him to infuse me.


I can feel myself holding something, some part of me, back. There's something I'm not giving up. and I don't know what it is yet. I've got a death grip on some part of me. and I'm feeling frustrated, because I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

my soul says "Lord! Father! Deliverer! I want to worship You, only You."
but my flesh gets in the way.

my spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak.


funny how your flesh can seem so weak in one way, yet such a powerful force in other ways.


I ask for your prayers.
I have had nothing but purely selfish motives lately. nothing but self-centered thoughts. I have done nothing but worship myself.


Good and Faithful One, You have proven Your love. You did not withold Your Son. Heaven's Love came down, life with You, my Crown! How could I not then love You?
Here's my heart, bowed down. --The Longing


Our Father was so unselfish.
I was watching 10,000 BC today, and there's this part where the main character's woman dies. He has traveled deserts, mountains, fought battles, risked his life innumerable times. and she dies. He's sitting there holding her, in this intense pain. this intense heartache.
and as I sat there watching, I thought "Wow. that would suck so much."

Imagine what it's like for God.
He sacrifices and sacrifices. He creates us, watches us fall, and then makes the ultimate sacrifice: He dies for us.
and so few of us recognize the deep, aching longing in our hearts as a longing for the One who was humiliated, beat, spat on, and pierced for our freedom.


what a great word;; longing
it has soul.




I just want to give my heart away. lay it down as an offering.
a sacrifice, pure, acceptable, and lovely.

I don't know how else to express myself.
I want to stand, with arms high and heart abandoned.



I want to live in a constant state of worship.

that crazy little thing called love

so tonight, I decided "forget popping in a cd to study to. I'm going to listen to the radio."
I'm noticing a trend.

nearly every song has something to do with love.

the desire for love.
the celebration of love.
the absence of love.
it's all there.

we are a culture obsessed with love.
generally, when you are obsessed with something, you keep it in perfect condition. you try so carefully not to damage it. to lessen its value.
but that is exactly what we have not done with love. we've cheapened it, demoting it until it has become what it is now; a synonym for infatuation. love is now synonymous with whimsical emotions.

that sucks.

and I'm guilty of cheapening love as much as the next person.

I wish so much that we could go back to the pure form of love. the one that Adam and Eve shared with God in the garden of Eden. it was the kind of honest love that didn't scream for attention. it didn't scream for temporary emotional satisfaction. it was perfect satisfaction. Adam and Eve had a triangular love going; they loved each other deeply, as man and woman ought to, and they loved God deeply as they walked through His perfect garden with Him.
Whenever I think of the garden of Eden, I think of a beautiful, indescribable jungle, with Adam and Eve, hand in hand, walking through the trees and bushes, following God with a devotion that man has not been able to match since the fall. Every once in a while, God puts His heavenly arms around them and says "Look what I've made! It's beautiful. It's good. But you know what? I love you more than these. You are in My image. That sets you apart. I can love you in a way that I cannot love the birds, the trees, or any other good thing I have created."
and Adam and Eve are just standing there, letting God's arm warm them from the inside out, overflowing with gratitude and childlike awe for this incredible Being that has put so much effort into designing them unique, yet in His image.

they feel loved.


and what is love now?

a flighty emotion.
someone who gives you special little gifts.
temporary satisfaction.

you might even say that we have allowed ourselves to partition our love. really, love is one passion. one desire. but every time a new infatuation comes along, we tear part of it off, and try to offer our mangled love to the object of this infatuation.
no wonder nearly all high school relationships fail.
we have not yet learned to save this key element in our lives until we can give it fully.

and you know what?
if we give it fully to our Lord first, the love we later give to other people will be the overflow from our love for God.
and that overflow is better than any love we could possibly give on our own.


I'm not anti-dating. not anti-courting. not anti-high school relationships.
but I am anti-cheapened love.
give your love to your Lord first. trust Him with your love from there.
and always make sure that you are giving from your overflow for Him, because in His hands is the safest and most important place your love can be.



mmk.
and now, after that refreshing little break,
I return to homework (: