worn out, in a good way i suppose.

so, i just finished crying.a lot.
i rarely cry. if i'm going to shed tears, it's because something is seriously bothering me. i only cry when something is seriously wrong.and ohhh man did i just cry.
i realized tonight, while i was talking through some conflicts i've been very much a part of, that i absolutely hate my personality. hate it, hate it, hate it.
i'm an internalizer, to an extreme degree. people who are emotional, the slightest bit dramatic, or love to talk about their feelings completely baffle me. to me, all of that seems like just the cheesiest stuff. i see it as the equivalent of sitting around a campfire, holding hands, and singing 'Kumbaya'. nope, not for me. i prefer to hold it all in. i process it all on my own. i hate feeling like a burden to people, and so my solution is to just not tell them.
but you know what?i really don't like that about myself. as melodramatic as sharing your feelings seems to me, there have been times where i wish i could, with ease, just sit and talk about what's going on in my head. every once in a while, there will be a window of opportunity, a small chunk of time where i actually want to open up. but if i wait more than five minutes, i've completely talked myself out of it. or, if i do share, i'm really quite over the idea of discussing the subject almost as soon as i've said it.
i've always thought that that meant i was just a bad, narcissistic, and horrible person. i've never seen it as a strength.i mean, i've always seen myself as someone with a strong personality, but i've never seen my tendency to internalize things as a positive asset. i've always assumed it was hurting more than it was helping, both to me and the people around me. in fact, especially the people around me, since i tend to bottle everything up, and then randomly explode and hurt everyone's feelings. and when i do finally explode, i start telling myself that i'm a horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else.i think i started to believe myself.i started to believe that because i internalize, i hurt people, and because i hurt people, i'm mean and i don't care about anyone except myself.
never ever ever until tonight did i think internalization could ever be a beneficial trait. i've been told it's a strength hundreds of times, but i could never see anything good about keeping all your thoughts to yourself.but tonight, my mom said something that i hope will always be an encouragement to me.she told me that she knows i care about others because i don't want to tell everyone what's going on.
my family's busy. all the time. i hate being a burden, and so a lot of times, i just don't really talk about what's going on with me. i figure my family has enough to worry about; my dad holds down two jobs while taking seminary classes, my mom teaches my brother as well as three geography classes, my sister is moving to the phillippines for three months, my brother's starting high school this year...anything that i might be dealing with, in my mind, pales in comparison with everything my family (admirably, if i do say so myself) juggles.
i've always hated the way i keep to myself. i feel like it makes me look conceited. but tonight, i'm ok with it. my mom pulled out the positive: i don't like to make things more complicated than they need to be. and so i keep my problems out of the mix. not just at home, but anywhere, really.
and she said that she knows i care about my family because i try to make things as easy as possible.
you have no idea what that meant. i had pretty much convinced myself that i was a flawed and defective person, because i don't like sharing my feelings. i saw no good in my own personality. my own, hand-crafted and God-given personality. i didn't realize what a burden i was being on myself. how many lies i had allowed myself to believe. how i was viewing myself affected how i believed God viewed me. i tend to be one of those people who focus possibly all too much on their wretchedness without Christ. sometimes i focus so much on how awful i used to be that i forget the goal: to become like Jesus. to learn what pleases the Father.
i forgot that God made me an internalizer for a purpose. someday i will be in a situation where i'm going to have to be strong. where i'm going to have to be able to work things out on my own.He wouldn't have given me such a dominant trait if i wasn't supposed to use it somehow.
likewise, He's going to grow me in my weak areas. there will always be times where, for my own sake and the sake of others, i'm going to have to be more vocal than i want to. i'm going to have to allow myself to be stretched beyond comfort.but that's ok. because if i'm in submission to my Father, He can use (use as in employ for good use) my personality in ANY situation.
i internalize. i work things through on my own, in my own head, without always vocalizing my feelings.there are both strengths and weaknesses in that.i saw the weaknesses only.my mom sees both.and she reminded me of the strength.

of course, that didn't keep her from encouraging me to come and talk any time, no matter how much is going on in the house.