bitterness before the table

I never thought I was a bitter person.
There was a time in my life where I simply wouldn't forgive. God changed me radically, and so I assumed that post-change, I was pretty good at forgiving.

My mom proved me wrong.


I was talking with her one morning about a few people that frustrated me, that I really didn't want to be around, that had hurt me, and that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem totally put that hurt behind me. Every time I thought about or came to be around them, the anger, sensitivity, frustration, and hurt all just comes flooding back, and it blocks my relationship with them.
During my ranting, which went on for awhile, my mom quietly says
Emily, you're bitter.


Woah. Bitter? Me?
It seemed oxymoronic.
You see, I've just never really been bitter. Or so I thought.

This past Sunday we talked in youth group about "roots" that affect our relationships with people, and my dad had us go off by ourselves with a sheet of paper and, between just us and the Almighty, write down our biggest problem "roots" (things like fear, rebellion, false beliefs etc.) and all the relationships that root affected.

I was astonished at how many people my bitterness affected.
Sure, it affected the people I was bitter against.
But little did I know that it bled into nearly all of my other relationships. The mutual friends they and I have. The people that act like them. Their friends. All of these relationships,
tainted by bitterness.


I've been feeling rather dried up lately. I can't seem to fully concentrate on God, and all of a sudden, I'm having a rough time of opening up in front of people again. These are problems that I was so excited to finally have relief from over the last few months.
But over the last few months, I also attempted to overcome bitterness. I wanted to try.
The week or two preceding Honduras and since I got back, I've had a lot on my mind, and this bitter relationship was really the last thing I wanted to deal with.

so I didn't deal with it.



I forgot to add one more relationship to the others listed above.
Bitterness affects my relationship with God.

How can I fully love Him when I can't even fully love my brothers. Through my unwillingness to forgive and let go, I have broken fellowship within the body, and so injured Christ's bride.

I need to pray for love.
I need to pray for peace.
I need to pray for strength.
I need to pray for humility.

It's not easy to let go of such a big hurt; one that affected not only me, but my family and most loved friends. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to do it. I've managed to hide behind it and blame a lot of inexcusable behavior on my self-induced inability to forgive.


How can I expect to be able to come before the Lord's table and remember Him purely with such a conviction?
The pastor always says to make sure there is nothing between you and a brother before you come to the table.
I had kind of half-resolved this bitter relationship, but I managed to wrongly justify my actions on the other half. we still end up with bitterness. and now we've added a heavy conscience. a heavy conviction.

How can I expect to be in harmony with God when all of my relationships are tainted by such an inharmonious emotion?


I can't.
but I want to badly to be in beat with my Lord.
it's worth sacrificing my own desires.
it's worth letting go of the hurt.


my mind's got it. now please, someone tell my heart.






"Jesus, I'm going to need a little help."