Lord, let me turn around. Here and now, life's too hard. Let me give up and return to where You had me before. Because going back is far easier than moving forward.
wow.
how many times have I prayed this without really praying it. you know, kind of subconciously? way too many times.
Fact is, I'm not who I was two years ago. last year. last month. yesterday. I am in a constant state of change. and thank our dear God for that.Last year I handled things differently. I lashed out. I fell apart. I became consumed. I let nothing penetrate. because that's how I thought I would stay safe.
eventually I came to the point where I had to reach out. I had to let down the walls. I had to be vulnerable. I had to allow myself to be comforted, strengthened, upheld. and that's not something I do easily. Some of it backfired. I exposed myself, and got burned in return. But I would have rather taken that chance and learned something than to have not done it at all.
There's no way I could list everything I've learned in the last year. Relationships, boundaries, my own personal strengths and weaknesses...just a few of the things that I've tested and tried since last spring.
Right now it feels like it would be easier just to stop and return to where I was before. I didn't reach out for help. I was self-sufficient. I was in a dangerous state of mind.
but that state is so appealing to an individual as independent as myself.
I lust after that state.
lust - an intense longing; any natural desire fulfilled unrighteously.
I've come so far.
I want to go back.
But then what is all this testing for if I don't move forward?
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