a sort of death and rebirth

and so another year comes to a close.

wow, and what a year it has been.
and here we are at the end of it.

this year has been crazy. I'm not even sure that I'm aware of everything that went on with me, and I am me.

I started out the year as a person insanely self-concious. critical. afraid. uncomfortable.

and as much as I'd love to say I'm no longer any of those things, I will admit; I'm still overly critical.
sorry, guys.

I feel like after a summer and really most of a year of finding self-worth in appearance, I finally let go. Really since about half-way through April, I've just stopped. I could no longer balance everything. I couldn't find self-worth in how I appeared anymore. and I have never felt so sure of myself before.

how I looked physically.
how I looked on a report card.
how I looked in church.
how I looked in my actions.
how I looked to those close to me.

these things stopped looming over me. haunting me. telling me I wasn't good enough.

I learned you don't have to be perfectly beautiful by the world's standards. 'cause its standards are a load of crap, always subject to change. nothing subject to that much change should define you.
I learned that best effort doesn't always mean an A. and honestly, my parents don't care as much as I thought they did about my grades. they just want me to try.
I learned that appearing holy in church sunday morning isn't enough. just because my dad became a pastor doesn't mean I'm expected to be perfect. you can go, go, go. do, do, do. but you'll never be any more perfect. any more holy than the bum sitting next to you. I can play guitar on worship team and sing praises until I'm blue in the face, but without the heart behind that, I am a clanging symbol.
I learned that people are more comfortable around you when you are comfortable with yourself. KEYS' MOST trip...At first I wasn't quite sure how that would go down. One of my best friends (yea, Rachel Paul, you guessed it) wasn't coming, and I'd pretty much just hung out with her most of the year. After all, we're tight. But I decided to let go and let my personality come right on out, right in front of people that either didn't know me, or knew me very little, which is something I never do easily. and I became so much closer with so many on the trip. some of them I didn't even know at all.

I feel like I finally get what Bono was talking about. Sometimes you can't make it on your own.
This year I finally let myself be raw and unedited. in front of people. not just in a notebook that I quickly close and store on a shelf, out of sight by anyone but me. I suppose you could say I let myself feel things, yet didn't feel the need to bottle it all up. It wasn't until I loosened the cap, so to speak, that I realized just how much keeping myself to myself was screwing me up.


so I've been typing for like...half an hour.
and I don't really know where I'm going with all this.
but it felt good to write it. just to get it all out.

I think that's why God made music; to comfort in mourning, to celebrate in joy, to release the deeper parts of the heart.

thank you Jesus for that one.




I have hated, and been forgiven.
I have loved, and found love in return.

and you see the beauty inside of me

Personalities.

what interesting things they are.
some people find certain personalities to be absolutely fascinating. enamoring. beautiful.and others can't stand to be around that same exact personality.
they're incredibly complex. they're incredibly mysterious. they are the reason for your actions, thoughts, and words. they're creative. they're strong. they're unique.

they're the inner beauty of a person, you might say.



I've come to realize quite a bit about my personality lately.
and let me tell you;I never fully realized how timid I am.
I come across so confidently, I suppose I just decided that I was as confident as I appeared.
ha.
no.

I prefer to be the pursued. I tend to internalize things and keep it real shallow. it takes a lot of strength and effort for me to be the one who asks the question that will deepen the relatioship. to be the pursuer. it's like this in almost all areas of my life, really. from relationships right down to daily conversations. most of my friends are people who were willing to start the conversation. willing to ask a question. I have thousands of questions, and I don't ask most of them.


well, I did ask my mom today if you can get arrested for flicking off the police. you can, by the way.

but anyways. I don't like to be the one to start a potentially awkward conversation. so I just won't ask certain questions.


now, you must know. I'm about 839034888x better at this then I used to be. ask Julie (friggin) Gassaway. I don't think I spoke a word all through middle school (unless of course I was yelling at someone)
God has given me so much more confidence in who He made me. I'm comfortable with me. I'm learning to open up. I'm learning that sometimes you have to be the more forward person, or even just a little more forward of a person, in order to reach out and establish great relationships that otherwise wouldn't have happened.

but I've been struggling with this all day. This relational timidity...is it a good thing or a bad thing?
truth is, I'm not sure.
I'm thinking that when it comes to personality, there is no right or wrong. you just are the way you are. and there's a purpose for that.

I'm still trying to figure out why I am the way I am.
maybe it's to force me to be cautious (to balance out my impulsive side)
maybe it's something for me to overcome.

I don't know anything for sure.
but I do know that I don't want it to dictate me.
I don't want to let it be a hindrance for what God has for me.

looking over my shoulder with lust

Lord, let me turn around. Here and now, life's too hard. Let me give up and return to where You had me before. Because going back is far easier than moving forward.

wow.
how many times have I prayed this without really praying it. you know, kind of subconciously? way too many times.

Fact is, I'm not who I was two years ago. last year. last month. yesterday. I am in a constant state of change. and thank our dear God for that.Last year I handled things differently. I lashed out. I fell apart. I became consumed. I let nothing penetrate. because that's how I thought I would stay safe.

eventually I came to the point where I had to reach out. I had to let down the walls. I had to be vulnerable. I had to allow myself to be comforted, strengthened, upheld. and that's not something I do easily. Some of it backfired. I exposed myself, and got burned in return. But I would have rather taken that chance and learned something than to have not done it at all.

There's no way I could list everything I've learned in the last year. Relationships, boundaries, my own personal strengths and weaknesses...just a few of the things that I've tested and tried since last spring.
Right now it feels like it would be easier just to stop and return to where I was before. I didn't reach out for help. I was self-sufficient. I was in a dangerous state of mind.
but that state is so appealing to an individual as independent as myself.
I lust after that state.


lust - an intense longing; any natural desire fulfilled unrighteously.



I've come so far.
I want to go back.
But then what is all this testing for if I don't move forward?