a sort of death and rebirth

and so another year comes to a close.

wow, and what a year it has been.
and here we are at the end of it.

this year has been crazy. I'm not even sure that I'm aware of everything that went on with me, and I am me.

I started out the year as a person insanely self-concious. critical. afraid. uncomfortable.

and as much as I'd love to say I'm no longer any of those things, I will admit; I'm still overly critical.
sorry, guys.

I feel like after a summer and really most of a year of finding self-worth in appearance, I finally let go. Really since about half-way through April, I've just stopped. I could no longer balance everything. I couldn't find self-worth in how I appeared anymore. and I have never felt so sure of myself before.

how I looked physically.
how I looked on a report card.
how I looked in church.
how I looked in my actions.
how I looked to those close to me.

these things stopped looming over me. haunting me. telling me I wasn't good enough.

I learned you don't have to be perfectly beautiful by the world's standards. 'cause its standards are a load of crap, always subject to change. nothing subject to that much change should define you.
I learned that best effort doesn't always mean an A. and honestly, my parents don't care as much as I thought they did about my grades. they just want me to try.
I learned that appearing holy in church sunday morning isn't enough. just because my dad became a pastor doesn't mean I'm expected to be perfect. you can go, go, go. do, do, do. but you'll never be any more perfect. any more holy than the bum sitting next to you. I can play guitar on worship team and sing praises until I'm blue in the face, but without the heart behind that, I am a clanging symbol.
I learned that people are more comfortable around you when you are comfortable with yourself. KEYS' MOST trip...At first I wasn't quite sure how that would go down. One of my best friends (yea, Rachel Paul, you guessed it) wasn't coming, and I'd pretty much just hung out with her most of the year. After all, we're tight. But I decided to let go and let my personality come right on out, right in front of people that either didn't know me, or knew me very little, which is something I never do easily. and I became so much closer with so many on the trip. some of them I didn't even know at all.

I feel like I finally get what Bono was talking about. Sometimes you can't make it on your own.
This year I finally let myself be raw and unedited. in front of people. not just in a notebook that I quickly close and store on a shelf, out of sight by anyone but me. I suppose you could say I let myself feel things, yet didn't feel the need to bottle it all up. It wasn't until I loosened the cap, so to speak, that I realized just how much keeping myself to myself was screwing me up.


so I've been typing for like...half an hour.
and I don't really know where I'm going with all this.
but it felt good to write it. just to get it all out.

I think that's why God made music; to comfort in mourning, to celebrate in joy, to release the deeper parts of the heart.

thank you Jesus for that one.




I have hated, and been forgiven.
I have loved, and found love in return.