conviction and commentary

somtimes I wonder how people perceive me.
geek? awkward? freaking awesome? stuck up? chill? mean? brown-noser? Jesus?


we live in a culture where, chances are, you are labeled as one of the above. we decide who is cool and who's not. we decide who we want to associate with by how we have labeled them. how many of the people around you would you label 'Christ-like'? would you label yourself in such a way?

followers of Christ are called to represent Him her eon earth, to actually be Jesus to the world around us. that's a big responsibility, and one i think we as believers take much too lightly. we treat Christ's standards like a joke, taking advantage of His immense love, grace, and patience. we flirt with sin, as if our hearts and minds are invincible and impenetrable just because we have labeled ourselves "christians". we negotiate and make compromises with ourselves, basically telling Jesus "well, thanks for the get-out-of-jail-free card." but the cross was and is so much more than an easy-out when you screw up. it was a sacrifice of love so that you could live life with joy, looking forward to eternity in the glorious presence of God, and that you could share that joy and anticipation with others.


now, don't get me wrong. every last person on this earth is going to sin eventually. in fact, you and i have probably both sinned in the last hour. and that's why God's grace is so incredible. i have messed up so many times. i let a rather unpleasant word or two slip. i get angry. i disrespect people behind their backs and to their faces. and those are just some of the more easily fixed and remedied things. but the Lord has washed me clean of those things and the things i've done that we would consider "worse than most."

but we are not to use that precious gift as a crutch. as an excuse. we are to try our best to represent Christ.
and how often do we portray Christ as someone He's not?
someone with a dirty mouth. perverted thoughts. deceitful. addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, and others' opinions of themselves. foul-tempered. negative. judgemental.
is this what Jesus has become?

those who don't know Christ are watching those who do. watching to find out who this 'Jesus' is.




honestly, we're doing a pretty crappy job being Jesus to the world.
and i say 'we' because i'm just as guilty.



now, i understand that some people are still struggling with past sins that affect how the represent Christ, such as addictions, and those things can take time. but they are continually handing their burdens over to the Lord. and that's just it. they're pleading with God, actively pursuing sanctification in a way that most of us "christians" don't. so many "christians" are not even trying, and that kills me, partly because i know that i often have that same attitude of apathy.
and that sucks.


but i pray, and please pray for me in this area, that i would overcome that, because there's nothing that breaks my heart more than seeing someone reject Christ because they saw christians as no different than the rest of the world. we are called to be in the world, that is true; but in the world, yet not of the world.

how can we, in good conscience, show people Christ, a bible in one hand and a joint in the other? words of love for some and gossip for others? a holy kiss for our brothers and sisters in Christ and a seductive one for the world? our consciences are seared by compromise.
we figure that as long as we don't get caught, we're ok. or that we'll deal with that sin when we're older and wiser. or we just want to show everyone that christians can party with the best of them.


but are these things worth men's souls? is your addiction, loose tongue, or cool reputation worth the same as a soul that could potentially be eternally separated from our loving Father?


it sounds harsh.
but hell is nothing to mess around with.


so many people waste a lot of time just waiting for some huge experience that will radically change them and force them to give up those nagging sinful habits. some wait for that experience right up until the time where they are placed, dead, in their grave, having been perfectly content to wallow in sin until then, waiting for God to do all their work for them, to instantly sanctify them, to change them without their having to put forth any effort.
we put off doing the hard, yet right, thing until it's too late.



so all of this to ask, 'how are we representing Christ?'
do people want to know Him by looking at us?
what we do?
our attitudes?
do people see us and think 'they have what i need. what i'm looking for. what my soul was made for.' ?


and so i challenge you, convicted and humbled myself, to look at yourself. your life. your words. your thoughts. and ask 'do i look like Jesus? how am i representing Christ? do people see me and know i have what they're missing?'


i pray that every believers answer would some day be 'yes.'

Confession #39208

ok, so confession:
this week I ignored God.


I'm disgusted with myself, really.
I basically blew Him off all week. I got so wrapped up in me.
what I needed.
what I wanted.
what about me?

This time last week, I was trying to turn everything over to Him. and here I am, 7 days later, thinking "wow, I definitely took a wrong turn somewhere back there."

I'm not even going to lie. this past week has been rough.
a lot of people I really care about are kind of leaving. which sucks.
my cat died. yea, that really sucked. no joke.
my sister and I clashed a few times this week, which is (thank you JESUS) pretty rare for us these days. but we temporarily lost our harmony. no fun.
and all of a sudden it hit me: crap, I didn't study for the SATs.

of course, I decided that studying at that point was fruitless, so I just went and took them without studying.

we'll see how that went when I get my scores back. eep.


so, basically, rough week.
but back to my former point.


that was no excuse to push God aside. if nothing else, it was more of a reason to call out and say "I need You."
but I didn't this time.
I'm not really sure why.
I guess I was afraid to let God have some of my crap. I was afraid what He would do with it. I was afraid that maybe He would try and take something else away from me. I thought that maybe if I held on to everything I had real tightly, He wouldn't be able to touch it. He wouldn't be able to "mess it up." or take it away.
I felt like I'd had enough loss for awhile.

darn that fdsklfjdklsbdwidsjf independence.
God, You can look, but please do not touch.
ha. wow.

I'm a frigging loser.

I seriously thought that I could keep God out of my personal business. that if I didn't talk to Him about it, He would never know. and therefore would never change anything. 'cause, you know, it was just so much better if I organized, labeled, and moved everything around myself. not.



I've been thinking a lot about grace lately. and you know what's awesome?
I ignored God all week.
I tried to control and hold on to everything.
I basically let myself believe that His power was finite. (sounds wayy dumb when you boil it down to the heart of the issue)

but I can, with complete confidence, come before His throne of grace.

I am forgiven.

God doesn't hold that junk over my head. nothing is stopping me from having fellowship with Him again except for the lies that tell me otherwise.
and what a liberating feeling it is.


"Therefore my heart was glad and my tongue exulted; moreover my flesh will abide in hope; because Thou wilt not abandon my soul to Hades, nor allow Thy holy one to undergo decay." Acts 2:26-28 (quoted from the OT)





If grace flows free when sin abounds,
then Lord, I need your grace right now.

a sort of death and rebirth

and so another year comes to a close.

wow, and what a year it has been.
and here we are at the end of it.

this year has been crazy. I'm not even sure that I'm aware of everything that went on with me, and I am me.

I started out the year as a person insanely self-concious. critical. afraid. uncomfortable.

and as much as I'd love to say I'm no longer any of those things, I will admit; I'm still overly critical.
sorry, guys.

I feel like after a summer and really most of a year of finding self-worth in appearance, I finally let go. Really since about half-way through April, I've just stopped. I could no longer balance everything. I couldn't find self-worth in how I appeared anymore. and I have never felt so sure of myself before.

how I looked physically.
how I looked on a report card.
how I looked in church.
how I looked in my actions.
how I looked to those close to me.

these things stopped looming over me. haunting me. telling me I wasn't good enough.

I learned you don't have to be perfectly beautiful by the world's standards. 'cause its standards are a load of crap, always subject to change. nothing subject to that much change should define you.
I learned that best effort doesn't always mean an A. and honestly, my parents don't care as much as I thought they did about my grades. they just want me to try.
I learned that appearing holy in church sunday morning isn't enough. just because my dad became a pastor doesn't mean I'm expected to be perfect. you can go, go, go. do, do, do. but you'll never be any more perfect. any more holy than the bum sitting next to you. I can play guitar on worship team and sing praises until I'm blue in the face, but without the heart behind that, I am a clanging symbol.
I learned that people are more comfortable around you when you are comfortable with yourself. KEYS' MOST trip...At first I wasn't quite sure how that would go down. One of my best friends (yea, Rachel Paul, you guessed it) wasn't coming, and I'd pretty much just hung out with her most of the year. After all, we're tight. But I decided to let go and let my personality come right on out, right in front of people that either didn't know me, or knew me very little, which is something I never do easily. and I became so much closer with so many on the trip. some of them I didn't even know at all.

I feel like I finally get what Bono was talking about. Sometimes you can't make it on your own.
This year I finally let myself be raw and unedited. in front of people. not just in a notebook that I quickly close and store on a shelf, out of sight by anyone but me. I suppose you could say I let myself feel things, yet didn't feel the need to bottle it all up. It wasn't until I loosened the cap, so to speak, that I realized just how much keeping myself to myself was screwing me up.


so I've been typing for like...half an hour.
and I don't really know where I'm going with all this.
but it felt good to write it. just to get it all out.

I think that's why God made music; to comfort in mourning, to celebrate in joy, to release the deeper parts of the heart.

thank you Jesus for that one.




I have hated, and been forgiven.
I have loved, and found love in return.

and you see the beauty inside of me

Personalities.

what interesting things they are.
some people find certain personalities to be absolutely fascinating. enamoring. beautiful.and others can't stand to be around that same exact personality.
they're incredibly complex. they're incredibly mysterious. they are the reason for your actions, thoughts, and words. they're creative. they're strong. they're unique.

they're the inner beauty of a person, you might say.



I've come to realize quite a bit about my personality lately.
and let me tell you;I never fully realized how timid I am.
I come across so confidently, I suppose I just decided that I was as confident as I appeared.
ha.
no.

I prefer to be the pursued. I tend to internalize things and keep it real shallow. it takes a lot of strength and effort for me to be the one who asks the question that will deepen the relatioship. to be the pursuer. it's like this in almost all areas of my life, really. from relationships right down to daily conversations. most of my friends are people who were willing to start the conversation. willing to ask a question. I have thousands of questions, and I don't ask most of them.


well, I did ask my mom today if you can get arrested for flicking off the police. you can, by the way.

but anyways. I don't like to be the one to start a potentially awkward conversation. so I just won't ask certain questions.


now, you must know. I'm about 839034888x better at this then I used to be. ask Julie (friggin) Gassaway. I don't think I spoke a word all through middle school (unless of course I was yelling at someone)
God has given me so much more confidence in who He made me. I'm comfortable with me. I'm learning to open up. I'm learning that sometimes you have to be the more forward person, or even just a little more forward of a person, in order to reach out and establish great relationships that otherwise wouldn't have happened.

but I've been struggling with this all day. This relational timidity...is it a good thing or a bad thing?
truth is, I'm not sure.
I'm thinking that when it comes to personality, there is no right or wrong. you just are the way you are. and there's a purpose for that.

I'm still trying to figure out why I am the way I am.
maybe it's to force me to be cautious (to balance out my impulsive side)
maybe it's something for me to overcome.

I don't know anything for sure.
but I do know that I don't want it to dictate me.
I don't want to let it be a hindrance for what God has for me.

looking over my shoulder with lust

Lord, let me turn around. Here and now, life's too hard. Let me give up and return to where You had me before. Because going back is far easier than moving forward.

wow.
how many times have I prayed this without really praying it. you know, kind of subconciously? way too many times.

Fact is, I'm not who I was two years ago. last year. last month. yesterday. I am in a constant state of change. and thank our dear God for that.Last year I handled things differently. I lashed out. I fell apart. I became consumed. I let nothing penetrate. because that's how I thought I would stay safe.

eventually I came to the point where I had to reach out. I had to let down the walls. I had to be vulnerable. I had to allow myself to be comforted, strengthened, upheld. and that's not something I do easily. Some of it backfired. I exposed myself, and got burned in return. But I would have rather taken that chance and learned something than to have not done it at all.

There's no way I could list everything I've learned in the last year. Relationships, boundaries, my own personal strengths and weaknesses...just a few of the things that I've tested and tried since last spring.
Right now it feels like it would be easier just to stop and return to where I was before. I didn't reach out for help. I was self-sufficient. I was in a dangerous state of mind.
but that state is so appealing to an individual as independent as myself.
I lust after that state.


lust - an intense longing; any natural desire fulfilled unrighteously.



I've come so far.
I want to go back.
But then what is all this testing for if I don't move forward?

bitterness before the table

I never thought I was a bitter person.
There was a time in my life where I simply wouldn't forgive. God changed me radically, and so I assumed that post-change, I was pretty good at forgiving.

My mom proved me wrong.


I was talking with her one morning about a few people that frustrated me, that I really didn't want to be around, that had hurt me, and that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem totally put that hurt behind me. Every time I thought about or came to be around them, the anger, sensitivity, frustration, and hurt all just comes flooding back, and it blocks my relationship with them.
During my ranting, which went on for awhile, my mom quietly says
Emily, you're bitter.


Woah. Bitter? Me?
It seemed oxymoronic.
You see, I've just never really been bitter. Or so I thought.

This past Sunday we talked in youth group about "roots" that affect our relationships with people, and my dad had us go off by ourselves with a sheet of paper and, between just us and the Almighty, write down our biggest problem "roots" (things like fear, rebellion, false beliefs etc.) and all the relationships that root affected.

I was astonished at how many people my bitterness affected.
Sure, it affected the people I was bitter against.
But little did I know that it bled into nearly all of my other relationships. The mutual friends they and I have. The people that act like them. Their friends. All of these relationships,
tainted by bitterness.


I've been feeling rather dried up lately. I can't seem to fully concentrate on God, and all of a sudden, I'm having a rough time of opening up in front of people again. These are problems that I was so excited to finally have relief from over the last few months.
But over the last few months, I also attempted to overcome bitterness. I wanted to try.
The week or two preceding Honduras and since I got back, I've had a lot on my mind, and this bitter relationship was really the last thing I wanted to deal with.

so I didn't deal with it.



I forgot to add one more relationship to the others listed above.
Bitterness affects my relationship with God.

How can I fully love Him when I can't even fully love my brothers. Through my unwillingness to forgive and let go, I have broken fellowship within the body, and so injured Christ's bride.

I need to pray for love.
I need to pray for peace.
I need to pray for strength.
I need to pray for humility.

It's not easy to let go of such a big hurt; one that affected not only me, but my family and most loved friends. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to do it. I've managed to hide behind it and blame a lot of inexcusable behavior on my self-induced inability to forgive.


How can I expect to be able to come before the Lord's table and remember Him purely with such a conviction?
The pastor always says to make sure there is nothing between you and a brother before you come to the table.
I had kind of half-resolved this bitter relationship, but I managed to wrongly justify my actions on the other half. we still end up with bitterness. and now we've added a heavy conscience. a heavy conviction.

How can I expect to be in harmony with God when all of my relationships are tainted by such an inharmonious emotion?


I can't.
but I want to badly to be in beat with my Lord.
it's worth sacrificing my own desires.
it's worth letting go of the hurt.


my mind's got it. now please, someone tell my heart.






"Jesus, I'm going to need a little help."

Take my life, I'm letting go

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And it’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now



I'm a do-it-myself kind of girl. I know how I want things done, and it's just too hard to let someone else do it. so, I do it myself. always. (ask Rachel Paul (: )

but I can't do that anymore.

because when I'm doing it all myself, I'm not letting God do anything.

Those 5 weeks after Thailand were some of the hardest weeks I've had in a while. I missed everyone, the kind of deep, aching sensation you feel when all you want to do is be back with the people you miss so much. I allowed myself time to think and miss them (it's not like I was sleeping much anyways) but after awhile, it got too hard. so I threw myself into my work. school work, preps for Honduras. I dove into them headfirst, not accepting help except from the people from whom I had to accept it from. I got a lot done. but I didn't allow God to prepare me. I didn't allow Him to do His work. I figured I could just prepare myself.

wow. I was so wrong.

I was talking and sharing with a friend recently, and as we talked about struggles, past and present, she said something interesting, and something I don't think I will easily forget.

"I've learned that I have to depend on God, even for basic life functions."

my heart just breaks.
I have pushed God out of my daily life.

I was too busy.
I was too independent.
I was, in my mind, too self-sufficient. too good.

but now I see.
and all I want is for Him to infuse me.


I can feel myself holding something, some part of me, back. There's something I'm not giving up. and I don't know what it is yet. I've got a death grip on some part of me. and I'm feeling frustrated, because I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

my soul says "Lord! Father! Deliverer! I want to worship You, only You."
but my flesh gets in the way.

my spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak.


funny how your flesh can seem so weak in one way, yet such a powerful force in other ways.


I ask for your prayers.
I have had nothing but purely selfish motives lately. nothing but self-centered thoughts. I have done nothing but worship myself.


Good and Faithful One, You have proven Your love. You did not withold Your Son. Heaven's Love came down, life with You, my Crown! How could I not then love You?
Here's my heart, bowed down. --The Longing


Our Father was so unselfish.
I was watching 10,000 BC today, and there's this part where the main character's woman dies. He has traveled deserts, mountains, fought battles, risked his life innumerable times. and she dies. He's sitting there holding her, in this intense pain. this intense heartache.
and as I sat there watching, I thought "Wow. that would suck so much."

Imagine what it's like for God.
He sacrifices and sacrifices. He creates us, watches us fall, and then makes the ultimate sacrifice: He dies for us.
and so few of us recognize the deep, aching longing in our hearts as a longing for the One who was humiliated, beat, spat on, and pierced for our freedom.


what a great word;; longing
it has soul.




I just want to give my heart away. lay it down as an offering.
a sacrifice, pure, acceptable, and lovely.

I don't know how else to express myself.
I want to stand, with arms high and heart abandoned.



I want to live in a constant state of worship.

that crazy little thing called love

so tonight, I decided "forget popping in a cd to study to. I'm going to listen to the radio."
I'm noticing a trend.

nearly every song has something to do with love.

the desire for love.
the celebration of love.
the absence of love.
it's all there.

we are a culture obsessed with love.
generally, when you are obsessed with something, you keep it in perfect condition. you try so carefully not to damage it. to lessen its value.
but that is exactly what we have not done with love. we've cheapened it, demoting it until it has become what it is now; a synonym for infatuation. love is now synonymous with whimsical emotions.

that sucks.

and I'm guilty of cheapening love as much as the next person.

I wish so much that we could go back to the pure form of love. the one that Adam and Eve shared with God in the garden of Eden. it was the kind of honest love that didn't scream for attention. it didn't scream for temporary emotional satisfaction. it was perfect satisfaction. Adam and Eve had a triangular love going; they loved each other deeply, as man and woman ought to, and they loved God deeply as they walked through His perfect garden with Him.
Whenever I think of the garden of Eden, I think of a beautiful, indescribable jungle, with Adam and Eve, hand in hand, walking through the trees and bushes, following God with a devotion that man has not been able to match since the fall. Every once in a while, God puts His heavenly arms around them and says "Look what I've made! It's beautiful. It's good. But you know what? I love you more than these. You are in My image. That sets you apart. I can love you in a way that I cannot love the birds, the trees, or any other good thing I have created."
and Adam and Eve are just standing there, letting God's arm warm them from the inside out, overflowing with gratitude and childlike awe for this incredible Being that has put so much effort into designing them unique, yet in His image.

they feel loved.


and what is love now?

a flighty emotion.
someone who gives you special little gifts.
temporary satisfaction.

you might even say that we have allowed ourselves to partition our love. really, love is one passion. one desire. but every time a new infatuation comes along, we tear part of it off, and try to offer our mangled love to the object of this infatuation.
no wonder nearly all high school relationships fail.
we have not yet learned to save this key element in our lives until we can give it fully.

and you know what?
if we give it fully to our Lord first, the love we later give to other people will be the overflow from our love for God.
and that overflow is better than any love we could possibly give on our own.


I'm not anti-dating. not anti-courting. not anti-high school relationships.
but I am anti-cheapened love.
give your love to your Lord first. trust Him with your love from there.
and always make sure that you are giving from your overflow for Him, because in His hands is the safest and most important place your love can be.



mmk.
and now, after that refreshing little break,
I return to homework (:

the conviction about lust

it's amazing how many things we struggle with. how many things take firm holds in our lives. and we don't even notice them.

last night we talked during the beginning of youth group about the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life.
I always thought I was pretty good at keeping those under control. I don't read dirty magazines or watch dirty movies. I've never purposefully put myself in a situation where I'd be tempted. I always try to act very humbly.
but wow, I suck at it.

the lust of the eyes can be things like looking longingly after that iPod. car.
the lust of the flesh can be wanting to look perfect before we walk out the door. letting food be your primary objective during the day. (which, by the way, I'm guilty of a thousand times over...I do enjoy eating quite a bit)
the pride of life can be thinking "what the heck, I'll only live once." being determined to make yourself comfortable.

some of these things aren't bad.
it's natural for us to want nice things. iPods and cars aren't evil. looking good isn't bad. eating is a necessity to life. true, you only will live once. enjoy it. being comfortable is ok. every once in a while, we need to give stress a break.
but are you lusting after these things?


LUST- a passionate or overmastering desire or craving


hmm.
I lust after quite a few things.
I let them come before God.
in my sinful nature, I simply have to have them.

it's disgusting, really.
once I realized how many things I lusted after, I was quite disappointed in myself. I found my self rather objectionable.

so, another challenge for you all.
look at your daily life;
--what do you spend most of your time thinking about?
--do you ever put it before God?
--which category does it fall under? (lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh, pride of life)



wow, I'd really love for all of my crap just to go away.
but I have a feeling it'll be a little harder than that.
grace, strength, wisdom, and conviction.
those are just some of the things that the Holy Spirit gives us to
kick lust to the curb.

And so it begins...

so, I was going to be cool.
and not get one of these.
'cause you know, everyone was getting one.

but then everyone had one.

and so I succumbed.


anyways.

I was looking through my journal that sits next to my bed. It has everything. everything over the last few years. as I skimmed through it (as I often do) I noticed a line that I had put in a box so to seperate it from the rest of my writing.

infuse my soul. You are pure satisfaction.

wow.
So often I am wrapped in myself and how I can satisfy myself.
but that line, pure satisfaction.

imagine that you don't desire money. clothes. popularity. cool friends. killer looks with a perfect body to go along with. you don't desire attention, you don't desire revenge.
He is all you desire.
He is your pure, your perfect, satisfaction.

I came to the realization recently that I think about myself nearly constantly. we hear this all the time. "I'm selfish. I think about me all the time." but it's one thing to really come to that realization on your own. I constantly worry about how something will affect me. I want to be continuously happy. I am devoted to me.

so I'm listening to this Hillsong CD that my parents got me for Valentines Day (music...it's how they show me they love me haha (: )
and they keep repeating this line
I offer You devotion

devotion is a pretty all-encompassing thing.
it doesn't leave a whole lot of room for selfishness.

hmm.
it doesn't leave a whole lot of room for selfishness.